Monday, April 21, 2014

Love Grows


I had always wanted two children: a boy and a girl. But when we had Sebastian I really thought I was done. Parenting isn't easy and, as vain as it sounds, I also didn't want to have to deal with losing the pregnancy weight all over again. 

My family was complete.

But...then I missed my period. And while there was an initial "Oh shit!" we quickly wrapped our heads around the idea of having a second child. I wanted to wait until I saw my doctor to confirm the pregnancy but Ramon couldn't wait and told my mom when I stepped out for a minute to get something I had left in the car. I opened the front door only to find Ramon with tears in his eyes hugging my mom. It wasn't when or how I planned on telling my family, but oh well, we were excited and everyone was on board.

Then the worries kicked in.

Sebastian was only two years  and several months old and still very attached to me. He had had us all to himself: mom, dad, grandparents, uncles and aunts, and we all showered him with love and attention. We used to say that he was "el niño más besado del mundo" [the world's most kissed child]. How would he feel to suddenly share that attention? What if he feels neglected or replaced? I worried about jealously and sibling rivalry.

I suppose there's always going to be some jealousy or some sibling rivalry, but we did our best to prepare Sebas for the arrival of his baby brother so it wouldn't come as a complete surprise. I read him "I'm a Big Brother" by Joanna Cole most nights (so much so that he got sick of it!) and explained to him that there was a baby in my belly. I even showed him an animated video showing a baby inside the womb because I thought it might register more clearly if he had a visual of a baby inside a mommy instead of some abstract concept. It seemed to work because he'd kiss my belly and talk to Baby Lucas and hug my belly.

Then I also worried about my own capacity to love.
When Sebastian was born I was awestruck. I thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen, and every day he just got cuter and cuter. How could I possibly love another human being more than I loved Sebastian? What if I didn't think my second child was as beautiful? How could I divide my love?

While I was in the hospital Ramon stayed with Sebastian at home because we didn't want him to feel alone and like suddenly both his parents were gone. But I was exhausted and in pain at the hospital and begged Ramon to stay the last night with me so that I could finally get some rest! I was in pain every time I had to sit up and get out of bed to pick up my baby. That last night my mom and stepdad stayed with Sebastian and the following day they brought him to visit me and his new baby brother at the hospital. Sebastian brought me flowers and a huge smile, "Mommy, I missed you!" Aww, be still my heart, I missed him incredibly too. My mom bought him a truck which we gave him when he came to visit and told him that it was a gift from his baby brother. He was so happy, "Thank you, Lucas" and gave him a soft kiss on thee forehead.
My worries melted away. Sebastian was so obviously in love with his baby brother, and I was so obviously in love with them both.
I didn't have to divide my love, because my love grew.



Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Unconditional Trust

Our children trust us more than anything in the world. In their eyes we are all powerful, all loving and all knowing. They look up to us and trust us to do what is best for them. They absolutely unconditionally trust us. But it is heartbreaking to see their face of joy quickly turn to one of horror and distrust, as if saying "Mommy, why are you letting them do this to me?"
Yes, I'm talking about shots.
I'm not talking about the regular vaccinations. Yes he  cried when he received those and it was heart wrenching to watch, but he was always pretty brave about it. He'd cry a little and then quickly get over it. And when he was old enough to understand I'd explain to him that he needed the shots to stay healthy.
But when Sebastian turned 4 he had a high fever that wouldn't go down. I forget what it was he had but the doctor decided to order some antibiotic shot in the butt with a huge needle, that apparently had to be applied very s...l...o...w....l...y. Screams of terror were heard throughout the clinic. It was torture and I sure did cry for that one as I held him down trying to calm him down by whispering into his ears "just breath deep like papa showed you". And then once it had been administered they had to rub his poor already sore butt. And THEN, since he was due for his 4-year immunizations, they gave him like 4 other shots (or maybe it was just two injections with the 4 vaccines, I don't recall). It was a bit much for one day. Poor thing was walking around the clinic declaring to everyone that his butt hurt.
I don't think I cried because he was in pain (although of course it hurt to see him in pain). I think I cried because I felt like I was betraying him, or that he would think I was betraying him, and because I knew at that moment that he'd never view going to the doctor's the same again. It was no longer a fun place where he got to see the nice doctor and get cool stickers. Now every time we go to the doctor's for a check-up or sick visit he always asks all the nurses and doctors "no shots, right? no shots"...I don't know that he'll ever trust a doctor again. Luckily, the trust a child has for his parents takes a lot more to break. He seems to have forgotten all about my "betrayal" :)

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly...and the Awesomely Beautiful

It was July 31st 2009 and I had an appointment to have my amniotic fluid levels checked (since I was a week overdue). My mom had missed out on previous sonograms so she asked to come with me. The plan was to go early, 10-11 o'clock, so I had a light breakfast expecting to eat lunch after the appointment...but Mom didn't pick me up until noon.
Mom, Ramon (that's my hubby) and my little-not-so-little brother headed to the hospital. When we got there it turned out they had to check my vital signs first so I was sent to the Triage where I had to lay in a hospital bed with electrodes strapped to my big belly. I was then taken to Radiology for the ultrasound. Amniotic fluid was fine, Sebastian was moving and kicking as usual...but lo and behold, when they checked my cervix I was 2 cm dilated! I was then taken to Triage for more vital signs monitoring.
The monitors were reading contractions that I did not feel. The nurse would ask in disbelief, "You're not feeling this? You're having a contraction right now!" Nope. I thought what I felt was just Sebastian moving around or maybe gas, but according to the monitors Sebastian wasn't moving at all. I informed the nurse that he was moving around just fine during the ultrasound and that I WAS STARVING! so perhaps he wasn't moving because I needed some food in me. She brought me some orange juice (which tasted nasty). I asked her if I could eat (Ramon had brought me some food from the cafeteria). Nope. "Not until your doctor sees you." Which took another two to three hours! and he was IN the building. Argh the torture. I truly regretted not having eaten lunch before heading to the hospital.
There was another pregnant lady in the Triage with me. Apparently her vitals weren't great. When the doctor finally came in he saw her first and decided she had to be induced. When he checked me he said, "Well, you're 2 centimeters dilated and you're having contractions and I'm already here, so let's get this over with." At which time I asked the nurse if I could finally eat...to this humble request she replied, " No honey, you're not going to be eating anything today." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I was induced at 5:30 pm at which time I texted my sister that I was in labor and to let everyone else know. My sister and friend Susy came to see me before contractions got too bad. My stepdad also came, but I asked him to stay outside during labor (no way we're THAT close).
Contractions weren't too bad at all for a while. I rated them at 1 at first, then 2, then 4, then 5...at 5 it was bearable but uncomfortable. I had gone in thinking I'd go the all natural route, and I told the nurse several times I didn't want the epidural. But in the end she told me "A lot of people wait until the last minute, but the anesthesiologist makes his rounds in the hospital. This ward is his next stop. If you don't order it now, you lose your chance for an epidural." So I ordered it.
I was already getting quite irritable at that point. My mom and hubby were rubbing and caressing me, trying to "be there" for me, but I just wanted them GONE. I didn't want anyone to touch me. I kept thinking, "get the [expletive] off of me", "don't [expletive] touch me", "leave me the [expletive] alone". I didn't say any of it out loud because I knew it was just the hormones, but man oh man, if I had waited until the pain reached a 10 that would've been a different story. Once I got the epidural I felt immediately better and was more appreciative that my family was there with me.
However, the epidural wasn't all rainbows and unicorn farts either. My legs went numb right away. My right leg was dead weight, so much so that I was extremely uncomfortable. AND the epidural (although I've read that it could've been the contractions) made me nauseous. All I wanted was to get some shut-eye, but because my leg was so heavy and uncomfortable and I kept puking, I couldn't get a wink of sleep.
When it was finally time to push, they put my feet in the stirrups and my right leg came crashing down. I couldn't keep my leg up! My hubby had to hold my leg in place and my mom held the other. Because I was SO NUMB, I couldn't even tell when I was having contractions, so the nurse had to look at the monitor and tell me when to push. But I really couldn't even tell if or how hard I was pushing and it was getting quite frustrating. They kept yelling "Harder, harder, more, bear down," but I'd run out of breath and have to wait for the next contraction. Sebastian's head was crowning but I couldn't push long or hard enough to push the whole head out. The doctor looked frankly worried, and I was afraid that if I couldn't give one long hard push that they'd have to resort to forceps.
I got nauseous and held my plastic baggie up to my face. As I heaved Sebastian popped out with a squirt of amniotic fluid, the doctor jumped back "Whoa!" (and caught the baby thankfully) as he was splashed with amniotic fluid and my mom shrieked, as I continued to puke while trying to catch a peripheral glimpse of my new born baby.
When they placed him on my chest I was still vomiting. I finished up and looked at his beautiful little face and touched his tiny shoulder. I was surprised by how beautiful and soft and clean he was. Not wrinkly and covered in white gunk like those babies I'd seen in those birthing videos I obsessively watched during my pregnancy. And I expected the amniotic fluid to smell bad, but it didn't at all. My hubby said he smelled like ice cream.
They took Sebastian to the side to finish cleaning him up. Ramon had tears in his eyes, he was so dumbstruck. He couldn't wipe that goofy look of awe from his face as he brought Sebastian to me with teary eyes. Sebastian was most definitely the most beautiful baby we'd ever seen.



Care to share your birthing story? I want to know all about it: the good, the bad, and the ugly!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

What Do You Love?

After the other day's venting post it's time for some positives to balance out the negative:

My kids are incredibly sweet and nice (which is an often underrated trait). They are friendly and loving. They kiss and tell me they love me all day, every day, for no other reason than they truly do. And I love them. They are funny and silly. Sebastian has a great imagination and tells me stories all the time. Some are so profound they shock me. They love each other, they play together, they smile and hug and look at each other lovingly. It is beyond adorable. They are wonderful siblings and I can only hope they will remain so close.
I love seeing them grow, becoming more able, more independent, smarter everyday. I love seeing their personalities develop and change. Those moments in the day, when I'm not stressed and I can see them through un-irked-filtered eyes, when they flash me a smile and googly eyes of love, are perfect.
When they are asleep and peaceful I just want to (and do) kiss their beautiful little faces a million times.
I am so happy to have them in my life and I could not imagine it without them.

What do you love about your little (or not so little) ones?